For a few seconds there I was blank. I scrambled my mind for an answer. I even tried to travel back in time when I was a child just to recall what I wanted to be. And just like that my brain cells were frozen. No process or thought was on my mind at that moment.
Nada.
Insert a cricket sound if you must, I could not give an answer to the question.
So ramble I did. Pathetic much. I'm probably the only twenty-something in the world who doesn't know what she wants to be. Who forgot the things she had always dreamed of. I have reached a point in my life where I do not know what to want, what to live for. I might as well be dead.
I do recall I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a five year-old kid. The thought of being in space with nothing blocking you, just you alone, was lovely to me. Then I threw the idea out a year later when I realized loneliness is just too sad and I have no idea how to deal with it. Fast forward through my formative school years, I decided that having a relationship with science is fun, exciting, which is why as geeky as it may sound, I dreamed of having a lab and becoming (genius) scientist. Or maybe I should blame that fantasy to overdosing on Dexter's Laboratory, because when I got bored with Deedee annoying Dexter and Dexter cleaning up after Deedee, I found myself being fascinated with the wonders of being a lawyer. For the love of argument maybe. Or perhaps I just like the glamor and authority a lawyer has. (Power suits also amazed me. I think I wanted a few in my closet then. I just looked at them, but not wear them. I feel old when I wear them.) I cannot remember anymore how or when I started to want my own business. And then when that phase had passed, I fell in love with the idea of being somebody's employee, and just getting up on the corporate ladder.
And today, I have no idea where I am. I feel like I'm in the middle of Shibuya. Stuck in the middle waiting for the red light to turn green, which apparently in the last two months won't, and I can't seem to cross the street without being ran over by a bus.
How morbid.
I would give anything just to know which way to go, which road to take, which green light to look out for.
It took me more than half an hour to come up with this whole entry. Kind of unusual for someone who's used to writing at the speed of thought. The writer in me probably got tired and must have died along that stupid journey of searching what to be. And I still do not know the answer to the question!
(This is frustrating. Really.)
In the middle of wanting to wrap this up and looking forward to sleeping, I suddenly remembered this song I used to sing from way back in 2004. (Please listen to the song, and do not mind the video. It's the most decent version I could find.)
So what do I want to be when I grow up?
You tell me what you want to be then I'll decide what I want to be.
